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Ivona Dixon

My Biggest Marriage Mistake

September 12, 2013

Filed in: Personal

The best compliment from my husband, that I’ll never forget.  It was during our engagement.  We were hanging out with some college friends, and Sheila said to me, “He said you’re his dream girl.”  
I have never let this compliment go over the past four years.  It’s my favorite one that I always think of when things are not at 100%.  And, in a way, it’s even better that it came from a friend.  He was professing that I’m his even when I wasn’t around.  Romance.  

Fast forward four years.  That compliment means so much to me because sometimes, I don’t feel that he wants me.  Even worse, I feel as if it’s my own fault because of the way I hype things up in my mind.  But I can’t help it.  

I believe that we, as women, should be seen by our partners 
with irrationally romantic eyes.  

I don’t care if we’re already late–take me, have me!  Oh, did I totally screw up recently?  Then love me even harder.  I kept thinking, if I’m his dream girl, why doesn’t he ravish me the second he gets home?  The thing is, I’m typically a patient person, but I wanted these random acts of “strip me now” when they were the most inconvenient.  But they weren’t happening.  I didn’t understand.  

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I finally saw the light.  I was at a workshop where conversations got deep.  There were five women and two men.  We found ourselves in a discussion about which role we as females identify with the most: women, mother or wife.  For me, it’s woman.  I am always woman, and the other two roles I can switch on and off, but I identify with woman the most.  And then the men in the group started to speak about work and switching off their “work” role when they rejoined their families.

I don’t recall what exactly they said…but it slapped. me. hard.  He needs time.  It’s not an instant switch for him like it is for me.  Sitting around that table with seven new friends, I took a deep breath, and I broke down.  I can’t believe I didn’t see this sooner.  I was so hard on myself and on my husband all this time.  I hesitate to write this next part, but another consequence was that…I made this man…this genius of a man…this handsome man who loves to hunt and can fix anything…this man who works so hard to be the best he can be…I made him feel like less of a man.  Ugh, I hate that.

And so, there it is.  My heart on my sleeve.  My biggest marriage mistake.  In doing so, I hope this reaches out to the women who are going through the same feelings.  My perception that he didn’t desire me was just that, my perception.  In the end, I hope, that I still am his dream girl and that he’ll want me forever. 

I want all women to feel desired. 

(Photo taken at Sky Rock in Morgantown, WV on 9/2/13.  Exact spot where he proposed five years ago.)

comments +

  1. Mandie says:

    I loved our conversation at that workshop, Ivona, and am so glad that clarity came from it. I think you taught me to be a bit more "woman," too. 😉

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